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My memories of unconditional love
While writing this newsletter I have been
exploring my experiences of unconditional love. As a small
child I received unconditional love from my parents. I cherish
my memories of my daddy the summer I was 3 1/2. He put me up
on his shoulders, I grabbed on to the hair on the top of his
head while he walked around the house, holding my legs
securely as he ducked under archways. Mama and I always met
him at the door to exchange hugs and kisses when he came home
from work. One night he came in the door and said to my
mother, "Babe, I am going to die." He did die the next day.
While I grew up I was terrified that my mother
would die. What would happen to me? My mother returned to
college to earn her BA so she could teach in Washington, D.C.
She taught me a song that we would sing. You may have learned
something like it. I call it "The Love Song." "Skinny me rinky
dinky do. Skinny me rinky do. I love you. I love you in the
morning and I love you in the night. I love you when I'm with
you and I love you when I'm not. Oh! It's Skinny me rinky
dinky do. Skinny me rinky do. I love you!" Although I always
knew my mother loved me, I continued to be a frightened only
child.
Fortunately, my first husband and I loved each
other unconditionally. We accepted each other as we were and
were deeply concerned about each other's happiness. The memory
of being unconditionally loved is similar to having "money in
the bank." So, when difficult events occur in my life I know I
can survive them. My spiritual beliefs also help me "muddle
through" since I know some endings can become opportunities
for good beginnings in the future.
Today I have the added blessing of knowing Phil, my present
husband, loves me unconditionally. He knows I am not perfect
but we can laugh and just enjoy sharing our lives, families,
and friends. In addition, I value and enjoy the people I meet
in my career as a life coach specializing in developing and
improving relationships.
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Greetings!
Feeling loved and sharing love with others is wonderful. As
an experienced life coach, I support clients to learn how to
be more accepting and loving in their personal and
professional relationships. This month, I discuss
unconditional love, how we can experience it, and share it so
that we can be happier. In August, I plan to discuss love in
marriages and committed relationships. If you have questions
or examples, please share them with me at maphurd@mail.smu or
by phone at 972-690-0442.
Hooray! All my "Pilot-Your-Life" newsletters are posted on
my web site at www.pilot-your-life.com. Go to
www.pilot-your-life.com, click on "Newsletter." When you
arrive at the Newsletter page double click on the newsletter
you wish to read or share with your friends. By the way, if
you want to send this newsletter to other people, you can
click "Forward email" at the end of this newsletter.
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What is
unconditional love? |
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Unconditional love can be described as caring about the
happiness of another person more than one cares about oneself
regardless of what the person does or how the person looks. An
example is a father who was watching his 18 month old daughter
and said, "I love you so much." That child was receiving
unconditional love. He was more concerned about her happiness
than his own. Even when she cries, has a temper tantrum or
breaks something, her daddy still loves her unconditionally.
Most parents start out giving their babies unconditional love.
Unfortunately, as a child matures parents, teachers, and
other caretakers focus on the child behaving the way they
believe is acceptable. They show conditional love when the
child does what he is told to do, brings home all "A's," wins
a game, or receives some other honor. If the parents have
never felt unconditionally loved they may not be able to
continue to love their children unconditionally as they grow
older. Some of us received unconditional love from a parent.
Other people like neighbors, teachers, coaches, or ministers
influenced our lives. These people believed in us and
encouraged us to believe in ourselves and to become the best
we could be. They accepted us for ourselves, both our good and
not so perfect actions and characteristics. They were giving
us unconditional acceptance and love.
When someone is genuinely concerned about our happiness we
feel a connection to that person. However, we want that person
to still be concerned about our happiness when they know the
truth about who we are. If we find someone we feel we can
trust and tell them the truth about ourselves and they accept
us, and continue to be concerned about our happiness, then we
feel loved. |
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What do we
do when we feel unloved? |
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When we feel unloved we may try to "buy" love by giving
favors or presents. Sometimes we try to protect ourselves and
become angry and lash out at others or blame others for our
mistakes. We may act hurt so we will get sympathy as we play
the victim role. Sometimes we may withdraw and just leave a
situation or relationship. When we are angry we can not feel
loving toward someone else consequently they do not feel close
to us.
Those actions may get us attention that seems like love,
but deep in our hearts we know that we are not loved
unconditionally. However, when someone voluntarily shares
their concern for us when they do not expect us to do
something for them, we will feel closer to that person.
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What can we
do to feel loved? |
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If we can remember a time when we experienced unconditional
love then we can review what led to that experience. However,
we need to find people who we can trust who have indicated a
concern about our happiness. These people may or may not be
related to us or be our friends at this time. With people we
trust, we can try sharing with them who we truly are--the
good, bad and ugly. If they see us, like us, and accept us as
we are, then we experience the feeling of unconditional love.
We can search out more relationships with people who are
concerned about our happiness. As we know we are
unconditionally accepted we can be more loving toward other
people.
As we understand unconditional love we can become concerned
about other people's happiness and not just our own happiness.
Then, there is an opportunity for those people to feel closer
to us so they can share who they really are with us. Thus,
each of us has an opportunity to share love. |
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Tips for
getting unconditional love |
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- Learn to have and give unconditional love.
- Remember a time when we felt completely accepted as we
are.
- Find someone who accepts and loves people as they are.
- Share our true selves with that person.
- Be more concerned about another person's happiness than
our own happiness to increase feelings of closeness.
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