|
**********************************************************************
PILOT YOUR LIFE, Vol. 2, No. 7 July 2003********************************************************************** Participate effectively in important conversations ********************************************************************** Welcome to the July issue of PILOT YOUR LIFE. This issue focuses on how you can participate more effectively in important or crucial conversations. ********************************************************************** IN THIS ISSUE: 1. Comments from Mary Alice Hurd, Ph.D. 2. What is a crucial conversation? 3. What happens during a crucial conversation? 4. How a professional coach can help. 5. Tips to help you handle crucial conversations. 6. Reference and biographical Information ********************************************************************** 1. Comments from Mary Alice Hurd, Ph.D.
The main way most of us communicate with other people is verbally. Most conversations go along smoothly and when we finish talking we feel good. However, have you ever talked with someone and found that each of you had a strong, but different, opinion about what should be done? The conversation became “heated.” Perhaps one of you started yelling. The other person may have stopped talking, walked away from you, or yelled back. If you remember such a time, you are remembering a “crucial conversation” which ended badly or with people feeling uncomfortable.
This month I am sharing some information that can help you pilot your life by taking control of your thoughts, feelings and actions. In August, I plan to continue discussing more skills to help you handle and feel in control of yourself during difficult conversations.
If you have questions, suggestions or comments about these ideas please e-mail them to me at maphurd@mail.smu.edu or phone me at 972-690-0442. Schedule a free coaching session by phoning 972-690-0442. ********************************************************************** 2. What is a crucial conversation?
A conversation becomes crucial when (a) the outcome is extremely important to one or more of the people involved, (b) there is a difference of opinion, and (c) emotions become intense.
Physiological information: When our feelings are aroused, our bodies may interpret a situation as dangerous. In the days of the caveman, our ancestors used the reactions of their bodies to survive in physically hostile and dangerous situations. They survived by fighting or running away. Adrenaline was released in their bodies, the autonomic nervous system took over and they prepared to fight or flee.
In today’s more “civilized” world, when we are in a stressful or potentially dangerous situation, our bodies still automatically prepare to fight or run. Most of our blood goes to our muscles and less is available for our brains. Consequently, if our bodies interpret the conversation as dangerous, we may say or do things that are harmful to others or to ourselves.
Strategies of silence or violence: When we are engaged in a crucial conversation and feel angry, hurt, afraid or worried, we frequently use the strategies of silence or violence. If we use the strategy of silence, we may stop talking (or use short, brief non-committal answers), change the subject and hold back what we really think, or withdraw mentally and/or physically from the situation.
If we use the strategy of violence, we become controlling by cutting others off or exaggerating our argument, ridiculing their arguments, or attacking and saying things that hurt or insult them. They may respond by using the strategies of silence or violence with us. The chances of finding an acceptable conclusion for the conversation become low. ********************************************************************** 3. What happens in a crucial conversation?
While reading this section, remember that as human beings we are always trying to be alert to what is happening around us and to understand why the people around us are saying and doing what we observe. As we observe, we try to develop explanations that make sense to us. Our explanation may be correct; however, it is a story that we have created to explain what we see, hear, or feel.
During a crucial conversation, we hear a person involved in the conversation say something or see them do something. In an instant (so fast, we do not know we have done it) we tell ourselves a story which can explain what happened. If adrenaline is released in our bodies, we feel angry (or afraid). Our feelings take over and we act.
Let’s pause a moment and remember seeing something happen when other people were present. Later, when talking about the event with them we were amazed by how the other people described what they saw. They had created a different story to explain what they observed.
Understanding this process gives us the power to control our own minds during a high-stakes conversation. We need to remember we do not feel angry until after we have thought of a story to explain what we observed.
The technique to maintain control over our minds is to learn to observe situations carefully. When we realize that we are starting to act with silence or violence we can review what is happening. After we honestly review the situation that occurred, we need to ask ourselves, “What other stories could explain the same actions?” Realizing there are other stories that could explain the situation can help us avoid saying or doing something that we will regret later. ********************************************************************** 4. How a professional coach can help. (The names and identifying features of this example have been changed.)
When Frank was promoted to a manager’s position, his organization had already learned that management skills are not innate abilities but that they can be learned. They believed Frank had the potential to become an excellent manager; however, sometimes he became angry quickly and spoke in anger. The human resources director suggested that Frank work with a professional coach to learn better communication skills and his best management style.
At first, Frank was concerned about confidentiality. He then realized that I was his “business partner” to help him become an excellent manager, which would include how to communicate effectively throughout the organization. Frank was highly motivated and eagerly worked to learn effective management skills. The incident I am reporting is an example of a crucial conversation.
Frank arrived at the regular Monday morning meeting at 9:00 a.m. to find that the meeting was in progress. Joe, his vice president, looked up and said, “What happened to you? Did you forget the meeting was changed to 8:30?”
Frank asked, “When was the meeting time changed?”
“It was in the e-mail I sent out on Friday,” Joe answered.
Frank felt his jaw tighten and his hands clench into fists. (In our coaching sessions we had been discussing how he could recognize when he began to be upset, which meant he was feeling angry and he might act angry and say something he would regret later.) Frank took a deep breath and realized that his “story” to himself was, “Joe’s trying to make me look bad to the rest of the team.” Then, Frank tried to find another explanation. He commented, “I looked at my e-mail on Friday just before I left for a dental appointment at 3:00. What time did you sent out the e-mail?”
Joe laughed and said, “Sorry, Frank, I did not remember you had a dental appointment. I sent the e-mail out about 3:30. Let’s have coffee after this meeting is over and I will fill you in on what happened before you arrived.”
At our next coaching session Frank and I celebrated his success in handling this conversation calmly and successfully. ********************************************************************** 5. Tips to help you handle crucial conversations.
a. Remember you can control what you think and how you act during a crucial conversation. b. Learn to go back in your mind to think about what you actually saw and heard. c. Review the story you told yourself about what you saw or heard. d. Think of other stories that could explain the same observations. e. Take control of your stories so you can have control of your feelings and actions. ********************************************************************** 6. Reference and biographical Information
My resource for this issue is the book, Crucial Conversations, by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler. The book was published in 2002 by McGraw-Hill.
Mary Alice Hurd, Ph. D., creator of PILOT YOUR LIFE, is a professional and personal coach and a licensed psychologist in the State of Texas.
She coaches clients by phone worldwide to pilot their ships utilizing their creativity and abilities at optimal levels. Contact her at maphurd@mail.smu.edu or phone her at 972-690-0442 to schedule a free coaching session.
Mary Alice presents speeches and training workshops on Crucial Conversations, Managing Unexpected Changes, Career Transitions, Thriving after 55, Discovering and Using your Strengths for Greater Happiness, Finding Your Gifts and Talents, Making the Most of Your Time, Networking for Fun and Success, or other subjects of interest to your group. Contact her by e-mail at maphurd@mail.smu.edu or phone 972-690-0442 to schedule your next event.
Mary Alice earned her degrees in psychology at George Washington University, the University of Pennsylvania, and Texas Christian University. She was a psychology professor at Southern Methodist University for 30 years. ^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^' To receive your free subscription to PILOT YOUR LIFE send an e-mail to maphurd@mail.smu.edu with the subject heading "Subscribe newsletter." If you do not want to receive this newsletter in the future, hit "Reply" and put "Do not subscribe" on the subject line. ^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'Copyright 2003 Mary Alice Hurd, Ph.D. Reprintable when full credit is given. PILOT YOUR LIFE is intended for informational and educational purposes. It is NOT a substitute for psychotherapeutic or other professional advice and consultation. ^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^' |
