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PILOT
YOUR LIFE,
Vol. 1, No. 2 November,
2002 ************************************************************************ NAVIGATE
THE OPPORTUNITIES AND CHALLENGES IN YOUR LIFE ************************************************************************ Welcome
to PILOT YOUR LIFE, a free newsletter dedicated to helping you be the captain
of your ship so you can navigate and pilot your life with maximum success and
joy. This newsletter is coming to you because we have met, worked together or
shared some time together. ************************************************************************ IN
THIS ISSUE: 1.
Thoughts From Your Editor, Mary Alice Hurd, Ph.D. 2.
Endings 3.
Elaine's Story 4.
Tips to Help You Pilot Your Ship Through Endings 5.
Additional Information ************************************************************************ 1.
Thoughts From Your Editor, Mary Alice Hurd, Ph.D. The
first issue of this newsletter presented a way of looking at change as a
process, not just an event. Change is the external happening. When a change
occurs we need to go through an internal transition process during and after
the change. Psychologist William
Bridges conceptualized three stages in the change process -- an
"Ending,” a "Neutral
(or in-between) period," followed by a new "Beginning." In
this issue I will discuss "Endings" in more depth. In December the
focus will be on the "Neutral or In-between" stage, followed by a
discussion of new "Beginnings" in January
2003. ************************************************************************ 2.
Endings Each
of us has been through many endings during our lives, such as graduation, the
death of a loved one, a divorce, a job loss, or selling one's home. When we
really wanted the change
we may have concentrated on the "new beginning" aspect of a
marriage, having a child, a new job, a move, or buying a house. Whether the
change was wanted or unwanted,
endings occurred and our lives were different afterward. William
Bridges talks about four aspects to an ending: disengagement, disidentification, disenchantment, and
disorientation. Many of us know people who are experiencing endings
due to job changes or job loss. The examples below are set in the context of
job changes. You can compare them with endings in your own life. DISENGAGEMENT:
Someone who is planning to leave a job may think, “This is the last meeting I
will lead here.” Perhaps they think this is the last holiday party I will
share with these colleagues. The person is beginning to separate from the
present situation. DISIDENTIFICATION:
When people leave their jobs they may feel they have lost their identity.
Even if they start new jobs immediately, they have not become disconnected
from former roles. They need to become disidentified from those roles to
allow the ending(s) to be finished. Then they will have more energy to start
new beginnings. DISENCHANTMENT: A person becomes disillusioned and
realizes that all was not perfect in the previous situation. For example,
someone who had believed that loyalty
and hard work were valued highly may begin to feel the organization only is
concerned with the bottom line. DISORIENTATION:
We may feel we have lost our sense of direction or our relationship with our
surroundings. For example, we might feel like our ship is spinning around and
we are losing our balance. After 9/11 most of us felt disoriented since the
reality that we had known was no longer with us. Some people continue to work
in a job they hate because they want to avoid that uncomfortable disoriented
feeling. ENDINGS
ARE SIMILAR TO A DEATH When
someone is making changes due to the death a loved one, we know they are in
the midst of the grief process. We need to realize when a relationship or a
job ends, or one moves to a new location, one goes through a similar grief
process. Endings break our connection to the setting in which we know ourselves.
Endings may awaken old memories of hurt and shame. Since we frequently rush
from an ending to a beginning we do not allow time for grieving and time to
adjust to the ending. ************************************************************************ 3.
ELAINE'S STORY After
reading my first newsletter Elaine wrote to me about her experience with
endings. She gave me permission to quote portions of her story. “My
daughter's diagnosis of melanoma in May of
2001 was my ‘9/11.’ By the time
THAT second disaster hit in September, I was already shell-shocked and my
ship was sinking! ... “The
grief one has to deal with during any ‘Ending’ is just not acknowledged in
our society, in my opinion. It is just expected that you pick up and get on with
it… But if you stumble over, or worse, ignore the grief associated with an ending,
I think you pay for it later. In fact in my case, when I finally let myself ‘feel
the grief of my daughter's diagnosis and the possibility of her death ... I found
myself grieving over everything else I'd skipped over in my lifetime. At
49, that's a lot! You know, ‘little things, like leaving my prestigious job
status in
San Francisco and my gorgeous house in San Ramon and being divorced... I grieved
over things I didn't even know I was grieving over... “I
shed my old professional identity of an advertising exec. the minute I began as
manager of a health clinic in Oregon 7 years ago, but I don't think I did it well
or authentically. I just sort of adopted the new role without acknowledging the
shedding of the old.” Next
month I will share more of Elaine's story and if you wish to share your story
please e-mail or mail it to me. ************************************************************************ 4.
Tips to Help You Pilot Your Ship Through Endings a.
Allow yourself to grieve about endings as they occur so you can be
ready for new opportunities. b.
Life is full of changes. For example, you may change careers several
times during your lifetime. c. Continue to learn, explore your abilities,
develop new skills and practice them. d. Keep
your ship in good shape, which means take care of yourself, eat healthy food, exercise, and try to get the sleep you need. e. If you feel you are stuck and not able to
accomplish anything, there are professional coaches, counselors or groups who can
work with you. f. Remember you have more strength, skills,
and abilities than you realize to help you navigate
and manage the challenges of your endings. Look for new ports to explore. Your
future life CAN be much more fulfilling and exciting. ************************************************************************ 5. Additional Information -- Mary Alice Hurd,
Ph.D. Coaches
people to pilot their lives utilizing their creativity and abilities. Presents
workshops and speeches on: Change
Management, Job Loss, Professional and
Personal Coaching, Enjoyment of "Your Time", Networking for
Success, Management
Development, Conflict Management and Interpersonal Relationships. You
may schedule a complimentary coaching session by contacting her by e-mail at
maphurd@mail.smu.edu or by phone at 972-690-0442 or 972-671-2899. ^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^' Share
this newsletter with your friends, family, colleagues or others interested in
having more control over their lives. A free subscription can be obtained by
sending an e-mail to maphurd@mail.smu.edu with the subject heading
"Subscribe newsletter" or by mailing a request
to Mary Alice Hurd, Ph.D., 1412 Chesterton, Drive, Richardson, TX 75080. ^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^' PILOT
YOUR LIFE is intended for informational and educational purposes. It is NOT a
substitute for psychotherapeutic or other professional advice and consultation. ^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^' Copyright
2002 Mary Alice Hurd. All rights
reserved. Although
this newsletter is copyrighted you may retransmit or distribute it to
whomever you wish as long as not a single word is changed, added or deleted,
including the contact information.
However, you may not copy it to a website without my permission. Reprint
permission will be granted upon request.
Advance written permission must be obtained
for any reprinting of this material in modified or altered form. ^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^' CONTACT
INFORMATION: Mary
Alice Hurd, Ph.D. Personal
and Professional Change Coach maphurd@mail.smu.edu Phone:
972-690-0442 or 972-671-2899 If
you do not wish to receive this newsletter in the future, please send an
e-mail or phone giving your name and requesting that you be removed from my
subscription list. ^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^' |