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Others Need What We Need
We want to be respected and so do others. We need to realize that if
we do not like someone else or if we do not like or respect someone
else they can sense it. If we feel someone does not respect us, we can
examine our thoughts about that person. We may realize we do not
respect them. If we can change our perspective and find something to
respect in that person, our thoughts and actions toward them may
change. Over time our interaction with the individual may become more
positive.
We want others to care about us and be concerned for our welfare.
Often people say they follow the Golden Rule, which is interpreted as
treating others as they want to be treated. We need to be careful not
to think that we should literally treat others exactly the way we
would like to be treated. If we really care about someone we need to
learn how that person wants to be treated. For example, when I am
upset I appreciate it when someone gives me a hug; but I have learned
that some people want to be left alone for a while.
We want others to be empathetic toward us, to understand our
feelings and motives and not criticize and judge us. In order to be
empathetc, we need to shift our attention from ourselves toward the
other person. If we think back to when we were teenagers we may
remember how we felt when someone said, "You just feel that way now,
but when you are older you will realize this situation is no big
deal!" To us at that moment, it was our whole life. We treasure the
people who showed empathy toward us.
We want others to listen to us. Recently I was discussing this idea
at a meeting. A man said, "Yes, we want to contribute to our
organization." Children want their families to listen to them and they
want to contribute to the family. When they talk about their ideas and
what happened to them, they are sharing themselves. If we listen to
them we can learn some important information and get their
perspectives on their lives.
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Greetings!
Each of us has an opportunity to be a leader in some part of our
lives with our families, friends and colleagues. Sometimes we may be
the designated leader but other times we may be an informal leader.
When we were born we did not "know" how to be a leader. Later we may
have found ourselves in leadership roles without having any training
to be a leader. Research has found that we can learn leadership
skills. Studies of work groups and sports teams discovered that
individuals who are good leaders are also better followers. So, if
we learn how to be a good leaders we can be more effective in any
group.
In my February newsletter I presented some ideas from Susan
Steinbrecher's and Joel Bennett's book, "Heart- centered
Leadership." Heart-centered leaders live and lead others according
to ethical values and by establishing authentic relationships with
others. This month we are going to consider how we can use some of
these ideas to be more successful wherever we are.
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Know Ourselves and Grow
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 We
can ask our co-workers, families, and friends what they see as our
strengths and areas that could use some improvement. We know things
about ourselves that we do not share with others. They know things
about us that they will not share unless we invite them to do so. If
we share information about ourselves, others may feel they can be
honest with us. Then, it is up to us to use the shared information
to grow personally.
As we grow we can share our values, knowledge, and abilities in
ways that help others honor their values. Then, they can be happier
and more successful in accomplishing their goals .
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Be Open-minded
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Our life experiences and the culture within which we grew up affect
what we expect others to think and do. We can not assume they have
had similar experiences. If we really listen to them and understand
them they realize that we value their experience and ideas. We will
have a larger shared pool of knowledge so that better decisions can
be made.
When we find ourselves being overly critical of others, we may be
feeling stressed out because we are over committed or under short
time pressures. Just breathing deeply, closing our eyes, and taking
a mini- vacation may help us be able to open our eyes and get a
different perspective on the situation. We could write down positive
thoughts about others and ourselves, to remind ourselves there are
some good things going on in our lives.
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Realize Our Words and Actions Affect Others
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A few years ago the top executive staff of an organization was at a
meeting thousands of miles away from the home office. An emergency
came up at the home office that had potentially high-profile
complications. Fortunately, the best procedures were followed and
the communications with media were handled professionally. When the
top executives returned, a meeting was held to review what had
happened. The executive vice president said, "When I first heard
about this crisis I thought, 'Oh, No! There is nobody there to
handle the situation!'" The employees looked as if the VP had just
thrown ice water in their faces. They felt the VP had said they were
nobodies. The VP went on to say how well the staff members had
worked as a team and congratulated them. However, what had been said
first hurt them grievously.
When we are in a leadership position, people are always observing
us and making decisions about what they should do. This is why we
need to be as open as possible and keep people informed about what
we think and plan to do. When we have negative thoughts, these
thoughts can be sensed by others. If there is a situation that needs
to be dealt with, it is better to be direct about it than to just
think about it inside our heads. We may just need to gather more
information to be able to decide on some positive actions.
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Let Go and Trust
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Since we cannot control everything and cannot do everything
ourselves, we need to learn to ask others to help. Some of us find
it hard to ask because we want to be independent and self
sufficient. However, I have learned that it is wise to ask for help.
When I have asked, others have responded more than I expected. We
need to ask the person whether they have the time to do what we
need, because their "plate may be too full" to add anything more. We
must realize that if someone says no to our request, it is not a
personal rejection. Also, when someone offers to help us we need to
accept and say, "Thank you."
We need to let others do things and trust that they will
accomplish what needs to be done even if they do not do the tasks
exactly the way we would do them. We may learn a new and better way
to reach our goals. When we trust others, they grow and have more
confidence in themselves.
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Tips to Enrich Our Leadership Ability
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(1) Realize people want others to respect, care for, empathize with,
and listen to them.(2) Learn about and know ourselves so we can grow
personally.(3) Be open-minded and nonjudgmental. (4) Realize how our
thoughts, words. and actions affect others. (5) Let go and trust
others to do what needs to be done.
Phone 972-690-0442 for a FREE COACHING SESSION, about a change
you would like to make or a problem you are facing. You may also
contact me at maphurd@mail.smu.edu. Read a brief review of "Heart-
centered Leadership" in the "Resources - Books" section of my web
site at www.pilot-your-life.com
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