Dec02Newsletter

PILOT YOUR LIFE, Vol. 1, No. 3

December, 2002

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NAVIGATE THE OPPORTUNITIES AND CHALLENGES IN YOUR LIFE

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Welcome to PILOT YOUR LIFE, a free newsletter dedicated to helping you be the captain of your ship so you can navigate and pilot your life with maximum success and joy.

This free newsletter is coming to you because we have met, worked together or shared some time together. If you do not want to receive this newsletter in the future, please phone me or mail a letter to me saying, "Do not wish to subscribe."

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IN THIS ISSUE:

1. Thoughts From Your Editor, Mary Alice Hurd, Ph.D.

2. What to Do in the Neutral Stage of a Transition

3. Elaine's Experiences in the Neutral Zone Continued

4. Other Information about the Neutral Zone

5. Holiday Season Opportunities

6. Additional Information

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1. Thoughts From Your Editor, Mary Alice Hurd, Ph.D

Yesterday I heard a man say to his friend, "I started addressing Christmas cards today. But I don't like this time of year. I want to say, ‘Bah! Humbug!’"

One reason for his feelings may be that the holiday season plops him right into what psychologist William Bridges calls the in-between or neutral zone of the process of change. Our calendar year is ending and we are about to begin a new year.

Holidays are often difficult for us because they frequently remind us of endings. Such memories may be especially painful if they are recent endings or we have not completed the transition for one or more endings.

In October, I described William Bridges' conception of the process of change. This process starts with an "Ending," which is naturally followed by an "In-between or Neutral

time." He emphasizes that we need this time to internalize the ending so that we are ready to start a "Beginning." I discussed endings in more detail in the November issue of

PILOT YOUR LIFE.

In this issue we will focus on the internal work that we need to do when we are in transition because of changes and challenges in our lives. In January, I will write about beginnings.

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2. What to Do in the Neutral Stage of a Transition

In our culture after an ending we often start beginnings so quickly that we have no time to understand that ending. We do not allow ourselves to think about how we have changed and to begin to explore and find directions for our beginnings.

When an ending has occurred it can be like pushing off from the dock in our ship without knowing exactly where we are going. There are no clear directions for navigating through the neutral zone.

However, some of the activities recommended below can be started now and then be reviewed and updated at future times. A good reason to start some of these actions at the holiday season is that our regular routine is broken. We need to stick our heads up out of our shell and really observe and think about what has happened, is happening, and what we want to happen in the future.

The neutral zone is a time of reorientation which means we need to do internal work. Some questions to think about include: What would be unlived in your life if it ended today? What challenges are you facing? What changes do you want to make? What are your passions?

The activities listed below can help you discover what you really want, which can help move you toward a beginning.

1. Have a regular time and place to be alone, away from the busyness of the activities of daily living and holiday events.

2. Keep a journal of your experiences, thoughts, feelings, and dreams.

3. Start writing your autobiography, which can include your successes and failures;

what you enjoyed doing; and what you want to avoid in the future.

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3. Elaine's Experiences in the Neutral Zone, Continued

In the November newsletter Elaine wrote about how her personal "9/11" had occurred in May of 2001 after her daughter's diagnosis of stage 4 melanoma. She felt her ship was already sinking before the September disaster.

When her job ended, Elaine started working with a mental health professional "to learn how to deal with the notion of possibly losing her daughter to cancer." She learned she had ignored dealing with the grief of many endings before that time. Now she shares some if her thoughts from her neutral zone.

"It delights me to think someone else might benefit from hearing my perspective... It

comforts me to know that others go through this.

"Most successful people don't wear their emotions on their sleeves. The downside is

that we never realize how many others are not only experiencing the same transitional

quagmire, but how many others actually emerge better people because of it.

"The loneliness factor is pretty big. Again, our society just doesn't acknowledge this

kind of transition as being noteworthy, important or significant.

"We are more likely to read about 'small-town girl makes good' before we read about

'middle-aged woman finds her true self.' Internal work is just not that spectacular to

outsiders... But the process should definitely be honored... Surely our overall society

benefits when people transition into an awareness of higher self. Good service to

mankind often results, and that helps all of us."

I am happy to report that the treatment for Elaine's daughter has been successful. She is now enrolled in a college and living in her own apartment building.

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4. Other Information about the Neutral Zone

Since we are not accustomed to processing changes, we may feel anxious since nothing appears to be the same. Usually this change process occurs with an ending, followed by a neutral zone and a beginning. However, sometimes the work of the neutral zone is done before the actual physical ending.

One reader of this newsletter shared how she realized she had to leave a psychologically abusive marriage. For nine months she worked with a coach whom she trusted, and who helped her set realistic goals, held her accountable, and cheered her accomplishments. She obtained a job in another state, found a place to live and enrolled her two children in school, before she moved and divorced her husband.

We need to realize that we may be going through several changes at the same time and be at different stages. For example, a person might be ending a relationship and also be starting a new job. It would be difficult to find the energy to do the in-between work while focusing on learning the duties of the new job and coping with the feelings that accompany the end of the relationship. This is why many people find a coach or other

professional to help them navigate through the neutral zone.

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5. Holiday Season Opportunities

At this season of the year we have an opportunity to reach out to our friends and families with cards, letters, phone calls, and e-mail. We can share with them what we value about them. Some people try to "mend hurt feelings" at this time. In our busy world we all can appreciate sharing good memories with others.

Also, we have the opportunity to learn where our friends and loved ones are in their change processes. Then, we can be supportive of them and vice versa.

Now, I am taking this opportunity to invite you to schedule a complimentary coaching session by contacting me by e-mail at maphurd@mail.smu.edu or by phone at

972-690-0442 or 972-671-2899.

Also, feel free to share your story or talk with me, by contacting me by e-mail or phone at one of the numbers listed below.

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6. Additional Information -- Mary Alice Hurd, Ph.D.

Coaches people to pilot their lives utilizing their creativity and abilities.

Presents workshops and speeches on: Change Management, Job Loss, Professional

and Personal Coaching, Enjoyment of "Your Time", Networking for Success,

Management Development, Conflict Management, and Interpersonal Relationships.

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Share this newsletter with anyone interested in having more control over their lives. A free subscription can be obtained by sending an e-mail to maphurd @mail.smu.edu with the subject heading "Subscribe newsletter."

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PILOT YOUR LIFE is intended for informational and educational purposes. It is NOT a substitute for psychotherapeutic or other professional advice and consultation.

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All rights reserved. Although this newsletter is copyrighted you may retransmit or distribute it to whomever you wish as long as not a single word is changed, added or deleted, including the contact information. However, you may not copy it to a website without my permission.

Reprint permission will be granted upon request. Advance written permission must be obtained for any reprinting of this material in modified or altered form.

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CONTACT INFORMATION:

Mary Alice Hurd, Ph.D.

Personal and Professional Change Coach

maphurd@mail.smu.edu

Phone: 972-690-0442 or 972-671-2899

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