Newsletter from Mary Alice Hurd

Few courses are taught in schools about how to give and receive love. When we marry, we expect to live happily ever after. In any committed relationship, deep down in our hearts, we want to be loved unconditionally at all times (when we are feeling good and when we are not).

We may have written a list, before we marry, of the characteristics we want in a mate. One morning at Southern Methodist University, a young woman floated into my office with a radiant smile. "I have just found the man I am going to marry," she bubbled. "He matches everything on my list. He's 6 feet 2 inches tall (so I will be able to wear high heels). He has the most beautiful blue eyes and . . ." I listened and when she slowed down asked, "What does he like to do? and what are his values?" She said, "Oh, we haven't talked about those things." Fortunately, she did spend some time getting to know the man better and realized they did not share the same values and interests.

What are our expectations in a marriage? We may not even know who we really are. Many of our expectations are based on what happened in the family where we grew up, so we just expect to have a marriage similar to the ones we observed.

When a couple marries, both people want to be happy. Often we each expect our partner to make us happy. The truth is nobody else can make us happy. We cannot hold someone else responsible for our happiness. We are the ones who interpret what happens in our world as contributing to our happiness or disappointment.

It is unrealistic to expect our spouse to satisfy all of our needs, especially since we may not understand what all our own needs are. Furthermore, if we do know some of our needs we may not have shared them with our spouse. Another problem is that we may be so concerned with our own happiness that we are not concerned about the happiness of our spouse, so we do not give unconditional love.

There is something each of us can do now, regardless of whether we are single, married, or contemplating marriage. Making the lists suggested below and analyzing them can help us realize there are other people who could help us satisfy our needs other than our spouse or significant other. First, make a list of your own needs. After listing them rank them according to how important they are to you. Using a scale from 1 (not fulfilled) to 5 (completely satisfied) write the appropriate number beside each of your needs. Then, divide the list into two lists. On one list indicate the needs that you can fulfill by using your own abilities, skills, and energy. On the other list, put the needs that can not be completed on your own. Look at the five most important needs on each list. Next, look at the "need others help" list. Write down the names of people who could help you. Remember to include some people who are not related to you or work with you. The purpose of this exercise is to consider and enlarge your support system.