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********************************************************************** PILOT
YOUR LIFE,
Vol. 2, No. 8 August 2003
********************************************************************** NAVIGATE THE OPPORTUNITIES AND CHALLENGES IN YOUR LIFE ********************************************************************** Welcome to the August issue of PILOT YOUR LIFE. This issue focuses on moving crucial conversations toward win-win dialogues. In this newsletter, the names and identifying features of examples have been changed. If you have questions, suggestions or comments about ideas presented in this issue, please e-mail me at maphurd@mail.smu.edu or phone me at 972-690-0442. Also, you may schedule a complimentary coaching session by phoning 972-690-0442. ********************************************************************** IN THIS ISSUE: 1. Comments from Mary Alice Hurd, Ph.D. 2. Skills to rebuild mutual respect or mutual purpose. 3. How a professional coach helped. 4. Tips to help you move toward win-win conversations. 5. Reference and biographical Information ********************************************************************** 1. Comments from Mary Alice Hurd, Ph.D. In the July issue, I wrote about crucial conversations – conversations in which both parties are discussing something of great importance but their thoughts on the subject differ. One person becomes angry or afraid, emotions take over and the person acts or speaks without thinking. “Steve,” a PILOT YOUR LIFE reader, contacted me saying, “When I read about ‘crucial conversations’ in your July newsletter I didn’t think it made much sense. But, now I know that you can find you have been in a ‘crucial conversation’ when you were not expecting it!” He told me he had visited a meeting of a professional organization with a friend. After the meeting was over, he went up to talk with the speaker. Steve asked a question to better understand the presentation he had just heard. The speaker said, “You do not understand the correct definition.” Then, he turned away from Steve and walked across the room to talk to another person. Steve realized he was angry. He felt the speaker was implying, “You’re too stupid to understand.” Steve said he felt the speaker was acting as if he were superior and did not want to waste his time talking with Steve any further. Steve and I discussed the possibility that someone else might not have told the same story about this incident. Another story might have been that the speaker wanted to catch the other person before he left the room. We went on to discuss the fact that Steve is the “pilot of his life” so he can decide what to do. Steve decided that he needs to think about three questions. “Is this relationship critical? Is this relationship important to me? Is this relationship important to the speaker?” If Steve answers “No” to these three questions he will probably never visit that organization again. If he answers “Yes” to the questions he can use the information presented below. This month I am discussing some skills to help you be in control of yourself during difficult conversations so the results can be a win for everyone. What you want is to have an open conversation without becoming upset or having anyone else get upset. If you feel yourself getting angry or wanting to just “clam up” or you see someone acting angry or silent, the suggestions below can help you navigate toward a win-win conversation. ********************************************************************** 2. Rebuilding mutual respect or mutual purpose. In a difficult conversation, remember you are the only person you can control. Your “path to action” is that you hear or see something, then you quickly tell yourself a story, feel an emotion, and then speak or act based on your story. You need to check your own path to action back to the facts, then think of other stories that could account for what you observed. By reviewing what your path to action has been when you are participating in an important conversation you will be thinking rather than just acting emotionally.
When you find yourself in a crucial conversation you can disengage yourself or “step out” from the conversation so you can rebuild mutual respect or mutual purpose by using the skills described below: a. Apologize when you are wrong. In the July issue I described how a vice president (Joe) had apologized, in front of his whole team, for his “story” when he learned it was incorrect. b. Create a contrast to fix a misunderstanding. Here you contrast a “don’t want” statement with a “do-want” statement. A supervisor might say, “I am not criticizing your decision-making ability. However, I do want to share some information I just learned about this situation.” c. Explore the other’s path to action by using power listening skills so you can learn how the other person(s) really feels. Ask the other person to share concerns. (If the person opens up you may not need to use the other skills. However, if the person continues to be silent you can go on to reflecting.) Reflect to the person the emotion you think you see in her expressions or actions. “You
look angry about Bob’s comment.” Paraphrase – repeat what you hear in your words. To get her started – take a guess at her feelings. If you get it right she may unload what she really feels. d. Another set of skills could be used in a situation where several people are presenting their views on what the overall goal for a new project should be. There are two or more solutions favored by different people. You observe that one or more people have become silent while others are becoming sarcastic in their comments. The ideas presented below could be tried. Start with the first
one and then work on down the list. Ø Commit to seek a mutual purpose. Everyone commits to stay in the conversation until you can find something that serves everyone. Ø Recognize the purpose behind the strategy. Find out why people want what they are pushing for. Ø Invent a mutual purpose. If after trying the “commit” and “recognize” steps there is no agreement, try to invent a higher purpose that would be more motivating than the purposes that keep the people in conflict. If the group agrees on a mutual purpose, you and the others have shared ideas openly. There is now a large pool of shared knowledge. Ø Get back in the dialogue so the whole group can brainstorm new strategies to find solutions that will be satisfactory for everyone. After solutions have been considered, it will be necessary to decide what action to take and then act. In this issue, there is not enough space to discuss how to make decisions and how to implement them. That will be a subject for a future issue of PILOT YOUR LIFE. **********************************************************************3. How a professional coach helped. In her last coaching session Martha, the production manager of a company, was worried about a conversation she needed to have with the public relations manager, Patricia. Over the last two years, Patricia seemed to try to block any changes that Martha proposed. Usually Patricia’s “story” was that Martha was trying to enlarge her power base so she could have more control in the company. Recently Martha and Patricia have been working on a joint project. They need to make a formal proposal to the board of directors in three weeks. Both of them want this presentation to be a success. Martha has been learning and practicing the skills of apologizing, creating a contrast, and learning how the other person feels. She asked if there were additional skills she could use that would be effective and would not make Patricia angry. We discussed the skills of expressing agreement, building on the agreements, and comparing differences. Patricia presented her ideas first at the meeting. Then, Martha told Patricia what she agreed with in the presentation. Martha built on the agreements and added some key information. She was able to do this in a calm, sincere, non-threatening manner. Next, she compared their differences in a tentative way—not in a “This is where you are wrong” manner. As they looked at the differences, they found ways to resolve them. They set up a timeline and each chose what their departments would do in order to complete the presentation early so they could rehearse it before the board meeting. After the meeting, Martha sent me the following e-mail. “It worked! We are finally working together as an effective team.” ********************************************************************** 4. Tips to help you move toward win-win conversations. a. Observe when others become silent or aggressive in a conversation. b. Help them feel safe so you can work toward a win-win conclusion. c. Examine the facts, learn their stories, share your story, and consider other stories so you can be respectful of each other and find a mutual purpose. d. Work together to find solutions that will be acceptable to others and you. ********************************************************************** 5. Reference and biographical Information My resource for this issue is the book, Crucial Conversations, by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler. The book was published in 2002 by McGraw-Hill. Mary Alice Hurd, Ph.D., creator of PILOT YOUR LIFE, is an executive and personal coach and a licensed psychologist in the State of Texas. She coaches clients by phone worldwide to pilot their ships utilizing their creativity and abilities at optimal levels. Contact her at maphurd@mail.smu.edu or phone her at 972-690-0442 to schedule a complimentary coaching session. Mary Alice presents speeches and training workshops on Crucial and Win-Win Conversations, Managing Change, Career Transitions, Thriving after 55, Discovering and Using your Strengths for Greater Happiness, Finding Your Gifts and Talents, Making the Most of Your Time, Networking for Fun and Success, or other subjects of interest to your group. Contact her by e-mail at maphurd@mail.smu.edu or phone 972-690-0442 to schedule your next event. Mary Alice earned her degrees in psychology at George Washington University, the University of Pennsylvania, and Texas Christian University. She was a psychology professor at Southern Methodist University for 30 years. ^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^'^' To receive your free subscription to PILOT YOUR LIFE send
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